1. Your tight pants are not hot. Even if sperm motility isn't a concern for you, please have consideration for the rest of us. I'd prefer to keep my eyeballs.
2. Your weird chest tattoo freaks us out. I like Edgar Allen Poe as much as the next literature nerd, but his face is the last thing I want to see during sex. Unless you plan to keep your shirt buttoned up during all future intimate moments, choose your tattoos carefully. Or, you know, get your dead, alcoholic authors tattooed on your bicep like the normal dudes do.
3. Do not show me your weird chest tattoo the first time we meet. I suggest a third-date field test, at the earliest.
4. If I'm typing away on my laptop and mention all the work I need to get done, that means I do not have three hours to listen to you talk about football, your job, and your ex. Even if you buy me coffee. The rule is: You can talk to me for as long as it takes me to finish the drink. If I go bottoms-up with a piping hot venti, take the hint.
5. Thank you, little hipster boy, for complimenting my sweet frames. I wear glasses to help me see things, like how you didn't know how many lords were a-leaping. And how you were so busy complimenting my sense of style that you nearly let the door slam in my face.
6. If you can't glean the lesson to be learned in number 5, try this one: Listen. For example, don't ask me a question, then interrupt me mid-sentence to start talking about football. Or about how much your job sucks. Or about your ex.
7. Never, ever make the mistake of assuming that appearance is directly related to interests or lifestyle. Comments like "You don't look like a geek!" or "You're too pretty to be single!" are demeaning. That's why I like to respond with, "You don't look like a loser!"
8. Comments like the ones above aren't compliments. Neither is suggesting you would like to have sex with me as though it's a favor you're bestowing. Especially when you do that kind of thing at work. Especially when I'm your boss. Especially when I'm old enough to be your mother. Especially when you haven't finished your work. Especially when you're an idiot.
9. A smile is not an invitation. Neither is a short skirt. Or a nice figure. Or happening to be female.
10. You are not automatically the most important person in the room. This is true even on your birthday. If you're lucky enough to be the most important person to someone else, realize that others may not share that opinion.
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