February is out to get me

Easter is early this year, which of course means that Lent came early as well. Like many people of faith, I look forward to Lent with both positive anticipation and a little bit of dread. Lent is, after all, about giving up things. It's a reminder of your frailty, of how much you can live without, a pledge to discipline. Lent isn't about resolutions or self-improvement, but about deliberately choosing a form of poverty, of recognizing the impoverishment of the spirit. Lent is a reminder of your dependence on God.

This year, I gave up coffee. I gave it a lot of consideration, asking myself repeatedly if I really wanted to put my coworkers through that. I decided I did.

The thing about giving up coffee is that it's difficult. A Lenten discipline should be difficult, should be something you think about often, should disrupt your daily life enough to serve as a reminder of your place in the universe (hint: it's not in the center). It's a fundamental attitude shift I take on: When others jokingly remind me of how good their cappuccinos taste, or when someone ignorantly offers me a cup of coffee, or when I go to the coffeehouse for free Wi-Fi and I drink tea...it's a reminder, and I feel gratitude for the reminder.

Lent is about giving things up, and giving up coffee was hard.

Little did I know I would be giving up so much more. (Cue dramatic music.)

At the beginning of February, I had an accident at work. No details are necessary, other than it wasn't my fault. I hurt, a lot, and have reached the end of my tolerance for the painkillers. I've lost a good bit of flexibility and most of the strength in my dominant hand. This has made it impossible for me to perform the very physical job I had, the promotion I had worked so hard to get, and of course is a setback to my career advancement.

I can't knit.

My alimony has ended, and I can't pay all my bills. To add insult to injury, the small raise I received last year has made me ineligible for Category A Medicaid, and I now have to pay a portion of my son's routine medical bills. So, my financial insecurity has deepened.

I've lost time, due to doctor's visits and physical therapy. It wouldn't seem like much, but 4-5 hours of appointments a week are a real time suck.

I also had the flu this month, which resulted in more time off of work (without pay).

My boyfriend and I broke up. That's a huge loss.

I've even lost my dignity. While groggy and numb from hydrocodone, I scratched a big gash across my forehead. It's a beauty, let me tell you.

I'm really hoping this is a February thing. February's a short month, just a week left. But I'm afraid it's a Lent thing. It feels like a Lent thing. I'm just having a hard time feeling grateful about it.